In this chapter the author speaks about why our respect means more to our husband's than our affection. She notes that if a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. Which means, if we want to love our men in the way they need to be loved, then we need to ensure he feels our respect most of all. The question then becomes, how do we know when we have crossed the line? I am sure most of us do respect the men in our lives. I was somewhat surprised but relieved by the answer. If you want to know if you have crossed the respect line with your husband, check for anger. The author notes, based on her research, anger is often a man's response to feeling disrespected and when I reflect on a few times when Bryan has gotten angry I can see the correlation. It's like when we feel unloved we get emotional. It was interesting to me to discover that the depth of him feeling disrespected is the same depth I feel when I am feeling unloved. This was quite an eye opener.
She goes on to say, if a man can't articulate his feelings in the heat of the moment, he won't necessarily blurt out "You're disrespecting me!" But rest assured, if he's angry at something you've said or done and you don't understand the cause, there is a good chance that he is feeling the pain or humiliation of your disrespect.
Men need respect like we need love. They need us to make the choice to demonstrate respect even when we do not feel like it just as they may demonstrate love when they may not feel like it. Men may know intellectually that we respect them, but if we do not show it in action it does not feel real to them. There are five specific areas where our men need to feel and experience respect from us as discovered by the author.
Need #1 Respect his judgment - A man deeply needs his wife to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions, basically his judgment. Many men wish their wives would not question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time. When I read this I thought Wow! Now I understand why Bryan would get upset with me at times when I would ask the question why. Fortunately, I have learned to curtail my whys and he has learned to understand my need to understand. How I wish I had this knowledge 15 years ago.
Need # 2 Respect his abilities - A man wants his wife to have confidence in his general abilities of learning, application, fixing, rebuilding, repairing things, etc., without having to do it our way. Men sometimes interpret our desire to help as distrust of their abilities. Another Wow! I recently purchased a tool to use to clean the outside of our home. While Bryan was working on one thing, I began to adjust the tool I purchased for him to use. He then questioned what I was doing and I said I was helping. He responded I know how to do it. I was surprised because I did not think I implied he did not, I simply wanted to help. Well now I know my desire to help, without asking if he wanted or needed it, was a display of distrust to him. Praise your husband for what he does and ask first when you want to help.
Need #3 Respect in communication - Sometimes it is in the how vs the what or sometimes it is both. The author's research confirms what the Bible says about the power of the tongue. Men can be easily crushed with our words, something as simple as "I don't think you can do that" can crush their egos, especially if it is in public. Men also do not like to be reminded of something over and over again; it feels like distrust to them. When I teach I share with folks that I speak from my experience and you hear from yours. When I put this in the context of communicating with our husbands I have reframed it to I speak from my feelings and you hear from yours which will remind me that what may feel like a simple comment to me could be devastating to my husband. They key for me in this one is, know thy husband and to always speak in love. If you are a sarcastic wife, try changing your tone and speak from the heart to see how this change may change your marriage.
Need #4 Respect in public - The male ego is incredibly fragile and the one person that can pierce him at the heart is his wife or significant other. Men want and need our respect in public. One man commented that a wife can impact a husband's career if she belittles him in front of coworkers because they will think he is weak. One of the things I have learned through this journey is to always honor my husband whether in our outside his presence. Just as your husband will be hurt and angry if you disrespect him in public, he will think you are the most wonderful woman in the work if you acknowledge and build him up publicly. It is the equivalent of him coming home to you with a dozen roses. It is how we fill our husband's emotional bank account.
Need #5 Respect in our assumptions - I can round this one up in my creed for life, "Always assume positive intent". I recently learned that whether or not we are an optimist or pessimist is 50% determined by genetics. Imagine that, your parents had a 50/50 say in your genetic disposition about how you see life. The good thing is no matter the genetic disposition we can be choiceful about changing the course. Respect in our assumptions with our husbands is about approaching our assumptions from a place of optimism. Assume he is trying to help, assume he does not need to be reminded, assume it is not his fault. I try to always ask the question "What's another possibility?" When your husband does something and you immediately go to a negative place, ask yourself, what are other possibilities that may be more positive than what you are thinking.
What does this all mean for us as women and wives? It means we truly have a lot of power and responsi-bility in our hands when it comes to our husbands and our marriages. I started this blog because I truly wanted to learn how to be a better wife and learn how to love my husband in the way he needs to be loved. I am so glad the Lord has led me down this journey of discovering the what and the how of being the wife he would have me to be.
Wives of the world in what ways can you or do you honor your husband beyond affection? As woman the demonstration of love is most important to us just like the demonstration of respect is most important to our husbands. The demonstration of respect does not mean we are not to have a voice, it actually means the exact opposite; we are to have a voice it is the tone, attitude and words of the voice that matters and makes a difference in how our husband's feel. How can you love your husband beyond affection today by putting into action the first revelation? Please share your stories with us; we would love to hear from you.
Blessings,
Rochelle
"A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."
Proverbs 12:4
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